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The Hoeflinger Podcast
Welcome to the The Hoeflinger Podcast, where Dr. Brian Hoeflinger and Kevin Hoeflinger delve into riveting discussions about life as a neurosurgeon, the world of medicine, healthy living, fitness, and anything else that piques their curiosity. Dr. Brian Hoeflinger, MD, brings his extensive 24 years of experience as a full-time neurosurgeon to educate and inform. Get ready for engaging conversations that will broaden your understanding of the medical realm and beyond!
The Hoeflinger Podcast
#20: Remembering Brian Nicholas Hoeflinger
Brian Nicholas Hoeflinger was a beloved son, brother, and friend. He was a kind, intelligent, funny, and all around amazing human who was lost too soon. This episode is in memory of his life and who he was as a person.
Rest in peace Brian. We all love and miss you dearly.
12/28/1994 - 2/2/2013
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Today is the 11th anniversary of our son, brian's death, and we thought we would talk about how we've dealt with that anniversary date over the years and how that's evolved and changed. I think that whether you like it or not, it's a special date that you cannot ignore, you cannot forget and you can't make it better. You can't make it a special day. In the beginning, I used to try to have something special that we did like right after he did die, we had a special date where we invited all the high school kids or anybody, friends and family and everybody that wanted, anybody that wanted to come and go bowling for Brian, just so we could all get together and commemorate him and talk about him. So that's what we did the first year and I remember, kevin, you saying it to me. I said how can I make this a special day? And you said to me it's not a special day, it's a horrible day. Do you remember that?
Speaker 2:Not exactly, but no, I agree, because at first it's almost just getting through it. But it is where sometimes there is nothing special to do, it's kind of just sharing. It's a way to, it's a good milestone, to remember him on and share stories. It's like what we're doing now, just keeping the memory of Brian alive.
Speaker 3:Thinking about the past, I also think like I every year since Brian is died. I've always taken that day off, the day he died, from work, and this year I have one small surgery in the morning but I have the rest of the day off. But I think it's a good day. It's just a reminder in your life of what life is right and that we reflect on Brian, everything that's happened and how our lives have changed. And I think it's a day to slow down and not be so busy and maybe just right to just kind of think about life and just enjoy. Maybe a reminder to enjoy yourself a little bit instead of always striving so hard every day to do all these things. Maybe it's a day more just to relax and enjoy life.
Speaker 2:No, I think that's a good way to put it. I mean because Brian's a constant reminder to all of us and we all have different minors. But for me that's the biggest thing in my life where just to slow down and to remember how fragile life is, how precious life is, because it's easy to just kind of not pay attention to that stuff and just think you're gonna live forever, everyone around you will live forever, and kind of shelter yourself. But another thing too about it is I think you guys would relate to this Brian's birthday is on December 28th, so from Brian's birthday through February 2nd. He technically died right on the first, the night of the first, right before the second, but we always commemorate it more so on the second.
Speaker 2:But that like month in like a week, is always probably the toughest time and it coincides with its winter. It's cold in Ohio, it's dark, and so it all coincides a little bit and it's gotten easier. But that's always more of a difficult time. So you kind of you don't worry in that period, it's just a period to kind of get through. Remember Brian, slow down, like dad said, and you don't need you don't always need to be making massive progress or anything else like that.
Speaker 3:And I think a couple things would be. I mean, as my wife Cindy always says, you know, we always talk about you know why Brian died, but maybe she should comment on it.
Speaker 3:You know why Brian lived, you know what was the purpose of his life and how can he encourage people in the future. And I think we should also touch upon how the positive things that Brian's death has come, how it's changed our lives and what we're doing right now this is all a result of Brian, and anything positive that we've done in social media and drinking and driving, that's all because of Brian's death. So death doesn't always have to bring horrible outcomes. It can bring a lot of positivity too, I think. But you know how you always say, cindy, how you know. Why do you want to comment?
Speaker 1:I one time I said maybe the question isn't why did Brian die, but why did Brian live? And he lived to bring us positivity and hope. And he served not all the time because he was human, but he served as an example of how to treat people with respect, how to, you know, bring positive to the negative and maybe try to have a positive outlook, and how your mindset is so important and he was living that.
Speaker 3:And I think we could give examples. Maybe we could all take turns giving examples. The example that stands out to me that might be good for everybody here, is the little things in life make a difference, and Brian was a good example of that, and we're all good examples, we just don't know it. But you know, brian died and we found out. But you know, at the funeral it was our funeral was for the showings were for two days and there was, you know, people would wait literally two to three hours to come and see Brian and talk to Cindy and I in line, and they would wait outside the funeral home in the cold.
Speaker 3:And so there was a gentleman, an elderly gentleman, who was a starter at the golf course where Brian's golf team would go to practice, and he waited for almost three hours to see us, to tell us one thing, and we've never met this gentleman before. And he said I just want you to know that your son, whenever he would come to practice, he was one of the few or only person that would ever come up to me and ask me how my day was going and ask me about my life. And he said most of the other kids wouldn't even, you know, give me the time of day or look at me. And he said that really made a difference in my life. And so he said I wanted to come here, not knowing you people, to let you know what your son did and what a difference in my life he made. And so that little gesture of kindness that Brian did every week towards him made a difference in his life. The heat stood three hours to come and meet people he didn't even know to let us know that. So that's one thing that sticks in my mind.
Speaker 3:You guys have any other things like that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, that always. That one's a very powerful example and I think, with Brian, what we learned too it's not the exact same of what you were talking about, but you touched on a little bit is there's everyone around us. We don't realize the impact we're having on people and we don't realize the internal world that everyone has. We all lead our own lives and only you truly know yourself of. After someone dies, like when Brian died, you got insight and access to all these things that you never knew about him. You got to hear about these people and how they thought about your son, peers, elders, other people, his journals, his writings all of these things where we never get to really see that with people.
Speaker 2:Like a complete picture of that. So I think that's just a huge takeaway from Brian too is Everyone has super complex lives going on, and that's why it's almost better sometimes to lead with kindness. Or if someone's coming at you, you have no idea what's going on in another person's life and all the struggles they might be going through. So sometimes just taking a pause and Reflecting on that for a second, before you know someone cuts you off in traffic. I always try to think like that person might be speeding to get to the hospital. You never you never know.
Speaker 2:So it's just kind of a change in perspective sometimes, and that's something for sure with Brian that With different things we learned just that concept of all what people are going through or what people are thinking. It's not what you may think.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that, um, like you said, we had the privilege of finding out many of the Random acts of kindness and different things that Brian would do, like I heard you know that he was always smiling, which I didn't know that because you know. You see him come home and he was. He looked like to yell at the dog and get Her tail wagging and come up and slap her belly and but you find out that there were a lot of little random acts of kindness that he was doing because he wasn't coming home and telling you right, because he didn't do it, because he wanted somebody to know how Grady was doing little random acts of kindness. He did these little random acts of kindness for people because he wanted to brighten their day and, um, and I think if you see somebody doing something or Somebody's kid that you know, you know from school, or your who's friends with your children, and if you have it, I have an opportunity to tell their parents or or just spread that word along.
Speaker 1:It's really pretty cool To do it, not because they died or because something tragic happened, but do it because nothing happened, that some kid did something kind of cool or random or a person. You can be adults too and pass that word along to their wife or their kids or their father or mother. Brother, it's, it's pretty cool, neighbor.
Speaker 2:I also tell. I mean, tell people, when you, if you're, when you're thinking about someone or you Enjoy someone made you smile. Just tell them. I mean there's not, there's no reason not to. I think it makes everyone feel better.
Speaker 1:I'll text people randomly and say, hey, I was thinking about you and I remember some good times that we had, or I appreciate you. I appreciate you a co-worker.
Speaker 3:And you and you may not think it matters, but there's another incident I know, after Brian died, that I think all the kids in this class they had them right down what they remember most about Brian and it's amazing. And these are all independent things, I mean they were just given to us so nobody knew what the other person was writing. But wasn't there a common theme in that?
Speaker 3:Yeah there were so many common allies that each person saw. And Brian, his humor, his kindness, how he always was upbeat, how he'd always say good morning, and all those things stuck, stuck in people's minds and made a difference in their lives, just like that gentleman I told you about and so, um, he would notice things.
Speaker 1:He would notice when other people were um, um like in distress if they one um kid had forgotten his calculator during a math exam and he was getting very upset, according to his mom, and Brian noticed and he said hey, you know, I noticed. You don't have any calculator here, use mine. Um, if you can do things like that for people, that really makes a difference. Or Maybe you see a co-worker struggling or they seem really angry, or maybe they're angry because they're upset, because their mom's sick or their child's sick and they're worried. You know, hey, um, I'm going to grab lunch. You want me to get you something? Do you want a coffee? Is there anything I can do to help you to make your day a little better? And you don't have to say it like that do things where people don't know Necessarily that you're doing something nice. So then then later on or during the middle of it, they can think, wow, I feel pretty good, that was really nice.
Speaker 2:Yeah well, I'm a common theme too. I think is just there's already enough negativity and sadness and everything else in the world. Add to the positive, add be kind, spread light, spread love um.
Speaker 2:Enjoy and laughter because it's it's, it's really, it truly is. It's just the small things, like holding the door open for someone, that makes a difference. And I think there's something we've talked about is the, the chain reaction of events. You brighten one person's day up, that may go Brighten another person's day up, and so on and so forth. You kind of start that positive streak, which is a cool thing to think about.
Speaker 3:One was that when I was at the hospital the day On call on the weekend Um, this is off of Brian, but I mean there's, there's a lady who worked in the operating room. She's carrying these two really heavy carts down a long haul and she was kind of looking at us and I just said you know, can, can we help you? And she goes yeah, be great if you would help me. And she gave me the biggest grin and so I pulled one of the carts. Why she pulled the other one. And you know I probably pulled it for I don't know four to five minutes and we went down an elevator to a whole nother area, but she was going down to a different area in the operating room. But boy did she appreciate that. And just the grin on her face that somebody was willing to help her, because it's so hard to pull these big carts with each hand, you know. And so just something as simple as that, I mean, probably made her day, you know.
Speaker 2:No, absolutely, and a lot of times, people, I mean don't wait for someone to ask you, always try to take the the first step, why not?
Speaker 1:and don't do it because you want somebody to notice you or thank you. Do it because it actually makes you feel good to know that you've done something in somebody else's life and you'll find out it does.
Speaker 2:It makes you I mean it makes it always makes you feel. I guarantee if you do these things it makes you feel better too. And so all this comes from brian and just kind of going through life, I think, and having a different, losing someone close to you but had it puts a different perspective on life. You look at life in a different way. So then you start seeing things differently. I think was something with brian, because it definitely changes what you think is important in life. Um, because I think so many people are are so they're so worried about, um, advancing their career or making more money or doing this or that and obviously there's a place for all that, but some people, I think you hear the common trapping some success.
Speaker 2:Yeah of People say they're working hard to provide for their family but they never spend time with their family, and you see, you see things like that where it's contradictory. So really, just Just pausing for a second, like we said, slowing down, thinking about what is important and making sure what you're prioritizing with your time and energy is important.
Speaker 1:I just read something today about, um, matthew McConaughey, um, and how he let go of like his production company or something, because he had like eight Projects and things that he was involved in and he decided he would concentrate on his family, his acting career and one other thing. And he said I'd rather get a's and three subjects than b's and five. Yeah, I thought, wow, that's, that's a really insightful thing, um, because there is that push to do more, more, more, um, and step back a little bit and and uh, yeah, so he talks a lot about that.
Speaker 2:I mean, he goes into more depth in that in his book green lights, which is a great. Yeah, Matthew kind of hit his. He released that in 2022. It's his autobiography, oh okay.
Speaker 2:That was a great book and, uh, he talks about that in terms of you know, instead of just kind of you know, being par or average in several areas, just really excelling in a couple areas that we really care about. It's more important and you'll probably do better anyways. Instead of Shifting, you really have so much focus and attention to give to stuff. So I think, yeah, it's.
Speaker 1:It's a great way of articulating it and I was going to say about how our grief has changed. Like I think in the beginning you're so restricting and so shocked that really it's just trying to get through it. And it's sometimes hour by hour, minute by minute, because I remember in the beginning we'd all just go to our rooms and it would just be quiet. It was so quiet.
Speaker 3:Well, so isolating, because you thought so, even though everybody's in the house, we all were alone, like we were all isolated from each other and we didn't get together usually and sit together. I think we're processing our own. We all had to be in our own space and quiet.
Speaker 1:But we knew the other ones were there. You know we felt them.
Speaker 2:And nighttime is definitely the worst. It feels very, very alone. You feel very alone, no matter how big the world is. You feel I don't know, there's an emptiness, you feel.
Speaker 1:And I think we're lucky because we had each other.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:What do you do if you don't have others?
Speaker 2:Hand in outlet, yeah, to talk to each other. And still we're around tons of people that knew of Brian, because that kept Brian's memory alive in a big way. I think it's easy to try to like not bring it up. You don't want to face it, but the more you talk about it, the better you feel when you also hang out every person's recollection of Brian.
Speaker 3:You just hang on that because it's all you have left right. It's people's memories of him. So every time somebody's saying anything about Brian, we would just incessantly listen, because we wanted to hear about him. Yeah, and we would keep him alive.
Speaker 2:Well, the people for me, the friends I have. There's a few friends that I'm still very good friends with, who were good friends I mean the time, and they knew Brian pretty well, those who always, when I hang out with them, it's always a special place because they actually knew Brian. We all hung out with him, whether it was playing basketball or doing other things, and they grew up with us. So there's there's a I don't know. There's always a deeper connection there for me, because it just it makes Brian feel alive again and a different presence. It's kind of hard to explain.
Speaker 1:But I think also you know you wanted to get through it and have it be good getting through it. But in the beginning I remember the whole week before I would be disrupted and maybe it would sneak up on me that I didn't realize why I felt so upset or angry or disoriented or whatnot. And it used to be that it was the whole week before and the whole week after. I mean I remember, from Thanksgiving on through through his death anniversary, always being really hard because of all the holidays his birthday, christmas, all the times that he was a family are together and close. But it's gotten now. So I feel like it's 11 years in and I feel like we can. We can continue functioning and not have to take huge chunks of time to go sit alone in our rooms to reflect, because I used to spend time alone in his room reflecting, and that's where I had to be alone, and I don't know what I thought about, but I would be have to be alone.
Speaker 1:You needed that time to process, and I think that's one thing that we did do pretty good is, we knew we needed to do it.
Speaker 3:Well, I think the funny thing is, I think people, until you've been through it, like a lot of people kind of indicate you like why don't you get over it? It's been years now. You know you need to move on with your life and they don't. They don't understand. You can't just move on with your life because your life is different. It's like it's like his room. People want to, you know, they wonder why can you leave a room with all the dead person's clothes in it and everything? Why don't you? I mean that went on for a year. We didn't change the room at all and we left Brian's backpack just where he left it that day His backpack is in my bedroom now.
Speaker 3:But I mean, the last day he came home we left all his shoes under the bed and organized all his clothes and we left that for years because it's very hard to change, to get rid of it. And then slowly and I give Cindy the credit that means she slowly started packing things away, little by little clothes, little by little.
Speaker 3:But even when we moved out of our house recently. We still had some of his clothes hanging in the closet, but the room had been redone and Kevin was using it as an office. So we, but you, have to do it very slowly.
Speaker 1:When you're ready now anybody else is right. Exactly Anybody tells you, and maybe there were times when I was ready and he wasn't.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:We currently we moved and I feel like that was another step in our processing to let go of where we had all the memories and where he was when, where we were when he died. But I know that in our basement, with all the other boxes, there's probably eight to 10 boxes of stuff of his and I had told Brian that at some point we need to consolidate and we need to get rid of and let go of those things.
Speaker 3:But you know, for anybody out there listening, I mean there's no, there's no timeline for grief and you don't you have to ignore people who think you should be over it or move on, or things like that.
Speaker 1:I mean, you know it's one of the things You're never over it.
Speaker 3:You're never over it and you have to be on your own timeline, and when you're ready, you do it.
Speaker 1:And it can come back, and that may be a year or maybe 10 years, you know.
Speaker 1:There was a lady in my mom's assisted living. She was probably 92. And I don't know. I went and talked to her one time. She lived across the hall, we were talking and she told me she had lost her son. He was like 70 years old. She had just lost him. I mean, it never changes for a parent to lose a child or any loved one, and she was crying about it. I had a little special bond with her because her and my mom had both lost a child. My mom had lost my brother when he was 49. We had this little bond and I always kind of would make sure I went over and said hi to her and everything Never changes.
Speaker 2:I think just something ingrained in us as humans of you always want your kid to out, you want the best for your kid, you want to provide everything in the world for your kid and you want them to outlive you, I mean. So I think it goes against everything that we are to have to face that and see that you know your offspring is dead. So it and again, like we've said, yeah, definitely everything happens on your own timeline and I think grief, like we've talked about and touched on, you can let bad things that happen in your life destroy you and ruin you, or you can let them help you reach new heights and use it for positive.
Speaker 3:That's what I was going to say, definitely, because that's what we've tried to do along, and I would encourage anybody out there who's going through a tragedy with time to maybe try to turn that into something positive, because you can help so many people, even just with your story, like putting your story out there. I think people are going through this who feel intimidated, will never talk about it, or just need to hear from somebody else that they've been through it, that they agree with them.
Speaker 2:I think we're all very positive thing. I think we're all very special women and we all have something to offer this world. I think your story, whether you know it or not, always has power by telling your truth, telling your story.
Speaker 1:There's always someone that's going to gain something from it.
Speaker 2:You connect with so many people, whether it's just in a coffee shop or whether you're putting it out on social media or you're just talking to a friend, you never know what they're going through, like we've talked about earlier, internally. Maybe that's the perfect time they need to hear something or anything else. I think there's power to all of that. The other thing I was going to say to touch back on your point, that is, I think there's an energy. When someone dies or a tragedy happens or a positive that happens, there's all this energy and you need to channel it. It needs to be used somehow, because the energy like we're talking about, the energy can be used and it can self-destruct you or, if you channel it and push in something positive, that's how you can turn tragedy into hope and other things. But you can't just let it sit there.
Speaker 1:You have to face it in some way, but you can if you need to for a little while. Sometimes things have to sit so that you can, so don't feel bad about that. At the end of the day, you want to be moving forward.
Speaker 2:I would still say, even letting yourself sit with the emotion, you're still letting yourself. To me, that's letting yourself feel the emotion. I think what's worse is to try to suppress the emotion and not ever say with Brian, never talk about him, act like it never happened. I think that's the unhealthy thing to do. I think, facing your emotions, feeling your emotions deeply, which in the first multiple like five years, that's still to me. That is facing your grief and it's hard to know.
Speaker 3:Like I recently would talk to someone who the wife I was talking to and she had told me that after the death of their son, the husband just kind of couldn't deal with it and lost his job and started doing drinking a lot and stuff. Their life has just gone way down for the worse. Why does that happen with one person? The next person will do something different. I don't know. I mean, we're all different. Why did we do what we did and the other person goes the other way. I don't know.
Speaker 2:So my thoughts there's definitely luck plays a role, and then how strong your system is. We had each other, we have a community around us, families, Brian's other friend, all Brian's friends, so I think a very strong support system helps a lot. And there's so many things that are out of your control that you can't. I think with mental health and other things, we've very much realized nowadays that you can't control anything. You can't just will your way out of certain things.
Speaker 3:I think trying to stay around people and don't isolate, the worst thing you can do is isolate yourself, even though that's what you want to do. That's your natural instinct. To isolate yourself, I think is really bad.
Speaker 1:And what you have to realize is that I remember how many times we would. I would try to go out and I'd get dressed up and maybe I'd procrastinate, and then I would be too late and I couldn't go, because it did that on purpose. Or maybe I got all dressed up and I was standing outside the door of something I was going to go do and I had to turn around and go home. I remember one of the first homecomings we went to somebody's house after watching the parade and we socialized and we hung out with our friends and it just hit me like a ton of bricks and I had to go and I had to go now.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it hits you all of a sudden, it's weird, and then you just got to go, like I didn't work and I just got to go.
Speaker 1:And we would. We'd need to come home and reconnect. But Brian and I were together and we get outside the door, into the car and rarely do I sob and I just start sobbing. It's just, and you know, after a fashion your friends quit, asking you how you're doing and you want them to quit. I've said this before. You want them not to always look at you like, oh, poor Cindy, poor Hufflingers, you don't want that anymore. You want them to move on. You want to move on. But then it's also sad and isolating because you have this kind of like dissociation, because everybody's happy and you're still sitting there moping and mourning and wishing that your loved one was there and wishing your life was the same. Like I don't play tennis anymore, part of it's my physical body. I have some orthopedic issues, but mostly it's because it just reminded me constantly of the happy times and the life I had before and I would cry behind my sunglasses and I finally quit and they started playing golf.
Speaker 2:Not very good, but part of it is just remembering certain times past, just like looking back at childhood or high school or college. Sometimes there is just that golden era paradigm of it. Just everything felt better than especially like, because obviously I think we all probably think about life before and after Brian. That's a huge moment because I mean I've lived 15 years before Brian died and I've lived 11 since and obviously the last 11 I remember better than the first 15. So it is very weird because in some ways it feels like Brian a whole another life where Brian was alive, but then in other ways it feels like it was just yesterday, because around this time, all of that time, like the week before and then that first month after, obviously it was a whirlwind of all this stuff going on. So all that just kind of comes to the surface and it comes back strong, but just used to get more used to it.
Speaker 1:I know in the beginning and for years I would embrace the feelings and let myself go into them, but I'm more likely now to. I've processed it, I've gone through it. Unless there's something new, I honestly don't want to keep reliving it and going back, because it just hurts too much.
Speaker 2:My blood always hurts.
Speaker 1:So I just try to. I'll think about it. Sometimes things will hit you out of nowhere. There's a lot of goofy things that he would do, or do you remember he liked that one gum.
Speaker 2:What's it come?
Speaker 1:it was green and it was experiment or wintergreen or sugar-free, and I just, I see that gommer, I see those those on cool ranch sunflower.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:And it'll just freakin hit me.
Speaker 2:I remember it was old house, like I Just remember there be that from one time. So I was asking me, like what's this mark on your door? The one time my brother and got home from school and then he you know he slapped happy makes a lot of noise when you come home from school and then he just he tried to open my door. It was closed and he like hid into it and he like messed it up a bit.
Speaker 2:And I remember asking me because he tried to open it when it wasn't, when it was locked, and it was funny you just be kind of slap happy sometimes and he wanted to spread that energy to other people.
Speaker 1:He had a lot of energy.
Speaker 2:He loved I mean some other things. I mean that we can all remember when the article is live and just any the dogs and just people like or himself. He loved clapping. He loved making a clapping noise of coughing, cuss, being his hand and finding a crevice. Like I'm making it really loud, making it really so that I think a lot of people and just his claps or everyone knew him like it's the clap, as someone who clap really loud in different ways, because I remember the one shirt fraud with hills I was made for almost like keep clapping yeah so exactly.
Speaker 2:Obviously, it's just those things like that where you. I bet he never even would realize that everyone remember him for his clapping.
Speaker 3:I don't think he was funny because he loved the clap. Then remember, at the funeral there's like I mean at the yeah, I asked in, the church is probably twelve hundred thirteen our people there and the priest said you know, brian, I always clap for everybody else and love the clap, but do we ever clap for him? And all everybody in that church start clapping.
Speaker 1:It was he said why don't we, why don't we clap for Brian that?
Speaker 3:was something and you could just feel it.
Speaker 1:It was incredible, and that dog though he would, he had a nickname for and he'd scream that name. Rikroup, he'd call her Ricky.
Speaker 2:He was good at coming up with nicknames, he nicknamed.
Speaker 1:You'd have several and he'd come in and go Ricky, he'd just scream and he'd start clapping and he'd run, walk the dog who weighed Probably 120 pounds, and he'd slap her out, or she'd she'd roll over and put her belly up and he'd he'd tap around the belly and it would be loud because he knew he could tell she also not a cut to.
Speaker 2:Really was not a cut, but she loved. She loves belly rubs in that she loved that too.
Speaker 1:She was allowed and she. She would smack her tail Really loud down the ground when she because she was so enthused whenever- she sat up at the top of the stairs for a month after he died, and then, when he didn't come up, she finally stopped going upstairs.
Speaker 2:Well, I think I think our animals definitely, especially pads dogs, there's a special bond in cat. I think they definitely know something different at times. My, so it's probably. I can't imagine what it is for them that they just one day someone's not there.
Speaker 3:It would other three then how long do they remember as a thing?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't know, but the other two that we had at the time Would come in with me to Brian's room and it's almost like they knew I was grieving. Well they, I had to have sensed the green. I think dogs can sense our emotions for like they sense when you're sad, and just like they can sense a lot of time they can sense natural disasters or come up that they.
Speaker 2:I can't remember what it is, but they have some.
Speaker 3:I mean, as they know, when you're sick and not feeling good, they always hang with you, you know, and they can tell, yeah. But I mean, so that's kind of what we do On our anniversary now, as we just kind of take the day to reflect a little bit, I think yeah, I think it's just good always to keep You're still alive at that person.
Speaker 2:People remember how you made them feel and I think there is no reason that you have to, not Just because someone's gone. You move, like we've said, you can move on with life, but also still honor them and think of how they've impacted you, and it's just a way to to share Brian's life and continue. And you know, and we talk about it a lot.
Speaker 3:People probably think well, they just talk about death and Brian a lot. But you know it's a part of our life.
Speaker 3:And Brian was a huge part of our life. You know he's our son and so For anybody out there who's going to, so I don't feel bad. I mean it don't ever not talk about your, your loved one, because you feel bad about it. I mean it's a part of your life and you should be able to talk about it. You don't want to talk about it, sesame, but I mean and if you have a friend that doesn't want to hear they're not. You're right, yeah, 100%.
Speaker 2:So I'm not your friend, so don't you know, I should always talk about well, just because the premise life's not all happiness, you can experience Insane joy and pure happiness because you've been through deep sadness. So I mean, life isn't just constant, it's up and downs and I think you should be able to share both and there's I mean there's balance. But you have to do what's true to yourself. You have to be authentic to yourself, where you're always gonna feel you Not gonna feel the best because you're being inauthentic.
Speaker 1:I think having had the grief allows you to be a little more Able, to be intuitive to other people, maybe, and their pain, and maybe listen a little bit better to others or, like you said, help that lady. You know that's be so stuck in our own heads, in our own world, and and be Considerate of others. It's helpful, I mean. I mean we all.
Speaker 2:I'm definitely go to that, but we all are at times of just getting into. It's so easy to get into autopilot on life and just Do your daily routine and other things, but sometimes just to pause and really like be aware in the moment what's going on around you, how your interactions. One thing I I read the other day I was listening to a podcast of you might not realize how big of an impact it is. Say you come home from work every single day and you're super stressed and you just your kids come up to you or someone else comes up to you and you kind of chew them off or you're you snap at them because you You're so stressed from work.
Speaker 2:That's that makes that such a lasting, huge impact on another person. Where, trying to the opposite even if you had a bad day at work or you're very stressed out, just trying to be positive, it has a huge impact on people. So trying to sometimes not let yourself get in that autopilot moment and kind of live in each moment so you can be present and have the impact you want to have on other people, yeah, so I think I mean that's. That's remembering Brian, and, like my dad said, we do talk about it a lot, but he is a massive family.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he's a massive part of our life and he has led to. A lot of the stuff we've done is a direct refraction of of Brian dying and it's lying to and I think my dad's talked about this before of lying to do the things he can no longer do. We all know Brian would have done, been a very positive force in the world and done a lot of things in his life. So it's just us kind of paying that forward for him of carrying out the mission that he was cut short on and for anyone out there who is going through grief or other bad events.
Speaker 1:Just, you know, obviously the people around you use your support system and Don't be afraid to take support from something, a source that you wouldn't typically think of. Take your resources from anywhere you can get them. Yeah, and also you know I mean we've been through it.
Speaker 3:So I mean the early days and months, you know, can be horrible, you know, and that's the hardest time to get through, but you know there is. I mean people should tell us this. We didn't believe it. I mean there is a light at the end of the tunnel to someone. I mean, as time goes on, things do get better. The pain lessons you don't forget, but at least you can function, you're not hurting as bad every day, and then eventually you start to have happiness again a little bit. I mean it comes slowly, but we have happy times now and we never thought we would. So hang in there. I mean it's going to happen, it just takes time. But don't, don't, don't do something that you regret because you got to get through that period where you're where you're really in.
Speaker 1:I know my mom.
Speaker 2:Mom says a lot, but finding the new normal sometimes I mean it does it can take a long time, but you will. You will find a new way of living.
Speaker 1:You can, you have to, you have to.
Speaker 2:But I think the biggest thing I think about, too, is the person you lost. They would want you to be happy, they would want you to keep living I know Brian would, for all of us. So it's. It's easy to say that at times it's hard to follow, but I always try to think about that of you keep living, to honor them in that way.
Speaker 1:So the most important message is hold your loved ones close, maybe a little closer today. Just remember that how special they are to you, and maybe even let them know.
Speaker 3:And you know I mean stay strong, I mean things will get better and just take your time at your own pace and you'll get through this. But stay close to friends and family and, and you know again, have a support system, because it gets the most important thing. Don't isolate yourself.
